埋藏在心里的不满

心里总是有那份不满。。。 觉得我从初一到高中努力的成果，却是这样。。。 以前我努力的读书，一个礼拜六天都在补习，而且还有三天是下午和晚上都有补的，还去上钢琴课。。。 考完spm, 觉得我终于可以离开校园生活了。。。 拿成绩的那天， 还真的怕自己考不好，因为我一向来对自己的要求都非常高。。。 成绩到手时，看着那成绩单，白纸黑字的写着我的成绩，第一个马来文直接让我有点小失望。。。 我没有什么心情要看一下其它的科目【虽然都是A1】这是因为，我想进的大学需要10课A1才能拿到全免。。。我那时很失望，看见我朋友都拿到好成绩，我也不能流出伤心的模样。。。 虽然我的成绩是不错好【9A1 1A2】 我对我自己说，“要满足，要满足” 还有很多机会在等着我。。。 过后我什么奖学金我都有apply。。 不管是JPA, Petronas, Sime Darby, Polytechnic... 什么都有。。。哪里知道，JPA 我却拿不到，一方面是运气不好，可能我做的不够好，apply的课competition太大。。。 其它的奖学金也拿不到。。。 只是拿到Singapore Polytechnic Chemical Engineering。。。 本来要去的，但是妈妈不放心，而且怕我读diploma浪费时间还怕进不了新加坡大学，就没去了。。。最后还是选者读中六。。。 虽然有点不满但慢慢开始习惯，也认识很多很多朋友，还认识了convent好多好多朋友哦。。。 他们都教会我很多人生大道理，虽然不是直接的教我，而是看他们体验过的大小是教会我很多。。。他们都说，我以前每天抱书，过得开心咩？ 我想了下，还真的不是很快乐。。。 他们也让我体验了好多不一样的生活，让我的生活多姿多彩。。。 着一年来，进力过的也不少，有起有落。。。 开心过也当然伤心过。。。 最近，好多我的朋友亲戚都去读大学了，想到家里冷清清的， 心情就觉得低弱。。。 堂弟也拿到JPA,都要去读书了，家里一个年轻的人也没有。。。 让我想起为什么当初没拿到JPA，如果我拿到该多好！有时那种不满的感觉又回来，但我一直要控制自己不去想。。。 人啊～ 也要往前看。。。 我还是抱着那小小的希望，觉得，未来一定还有更好的机会在等着我的！ 不能放弃。。。 但是今天，我忍不住了。。可是还是一直把眼泪全都吞进肚子里。。。

stpm也要到了，真的要努力了。。。 看到自己小小的进步，觉得很开心。。。 老师也称赞我。。。 我还是可以的，但是chemistry真的要加油了！ 我不能让我父母失望因为我是他们唯一的希望。。。 我尽力吧！ 加油！

一个人，一旦对你好，那。。。代表什么呢？我真的搞不懂。。。 当我需要到帮助时，他没问就说ok... 我们的想法也还蛮一样的。。。不知道他对别人是否一样。。。 如果一样，那就是我想太多了吧。。。 最近头脑越来越复炸。。。am i really complicating my own life? i would rather lead an ordinary life without feeling vexed about anything... at all!
今天JJ送我一句话，爱情是良药苦口。。。 我还蛮战成这句话。。。一开始时，爱情还真的是个良药，一旦感情淡了，累了，你对她的好不被珍惜，你就会觉得它苦。。。 but bitterness is only a taste which will blend as time passes...
今天也讨论到，身为一个男生，他应该在成熟的时候成熟，应该childish的时候childish。。。这句话真好！ 这样，女生才会有安全感，也不少了快乐。。。
有时候有人关心，有人在乎你的感受，那种感觉真好。。。 在你被骂的时候安慰你。。。有时我做的是还真的傻傻的，别她一直叫傻瓜傻瓜的，其实我还真的喜欢这种感觉。。。有那么一些些的甜蜜，就算是朋友也好，也已经很好了。。。 可是老师说，我不希望那个人只是个朋友。。。
哇！今天感触还蛮多的耶！把心里的话统统写出来，觉得轻松多了。。。 哈哈哈哈哈！

updated

yesterday's parents day was postponed... really don't know when it will come again... hope the day NEVER COMES, cause my teacher sure has a lot of things talk about me... last year, everything does not go as the way i wanted... many ups and downs... let's not talk about the past... i know i have to forget about the past in order to move on and let good and positive things to fill my future( i really hope so )....

friday, 18- wow, hmm, els farewell was quite ok, cause i came late, so it's rather hard for me to mix with my frens... then saw ah wan pulak... quite suprised... haha. I left quite early cause hui yee, known as ma lai mei ( means malay girl in eng but of course she's not a malay girl la) called me and ask me to go to ch2's basketball court to fetch her and diana to go have dinner together... I'll not talk more about the dinner part... haiz.... forget it... anyway, nothing special happened. After that, i fetched diana, chua, and hui yee home. when i reached hui yee's house, i went into her house to go to the toilet... I really can't TAHAN!!!! when i came out, i saw hui leng, hui yee's sis, sleeping in her room. hui yee asked me to go disturb her. U know lo, i sure go de ma... hehe. She woke up and we started chatting... the topics were very interesting... Of course, i can't write it here la... too.... i don't know how to say... she really told me a lot of things... she also told me to keep away from a few person... just like wat xue qi told me last time... i'm trying though... hehe... really la. lastly, if i have a sis like hui yee, all my blood vessel will definately break and will have a sudden stoke man! she hor, make me so speechless sometimes but she really is a positive thinking girl and that's good. Hui leng, u don't have worry so much le... haha U should actually worry for yourself now man....

haiz... My emo is up and down recently... not many ppl know cause i really don wanna let many ppl know... let me express myself this way, all trees need water in order to survive. But there are these few trees that prefer to have this kind of special water... but only one tree can get this water. This water has the power to choose which tree it wants to give itself to. Finally, water chosen a tree... but later, water found out that this particular tree does not appreciate it. Of course, there are many other trees that want to have this special water... Pity water is left aside by this tree, but sometimes this tree still wants to have this water again and later this tree will leave it aside, AGAIN... Here comes another tree that wish to have this water. Water knew it but it can't bear to leave that selfish tree who does not appreciate water... This poor new tree just have to wait, wait, and wait for it's turn to come... How long will it be? but this new tree tries very hard to obtain this water... Gambate! new tree! -The End- do you all understand this story, you must look at it in another perspective in order to understand the whole thing... hehe...

hmm... today i've wasted my PA lecture again, like everyone else... to listen to my friend's problems... She told me a lot of things about her friendship with her ex-school mates... I really understand how she feels cause when you are in a different class or even study at somewhere else, you may not have the chance to communicate with your friends from your ex-school, and this causes you and the others to drift far apart. From what i heard from many other ppl, we teenagers usually found our "best friend" during pre-U life... But is this true for everyone? I'm not sure about it... but for me, it's partially true... Not that i will forget my ex-school mates, you all will always have a place in my heart, but it is because i found two friends that can really listen patiently to me, especially those 'problems' i face recently, they have the same thought as mine, understand more about me and how i feel, and most importantly we love Sports!!!! Thx man! i hope you all can treat me as your best friend too! Eh, who 'terasa' that means it's you! hahahaha.... Hey! recently i have became many ppl's counselor... No matter what theme it is, love or friendship. I always try my best to help them... I have a msg for wan jun that is: don't be bothered by your past, just look at your future and go straight on without looking back and live happily. You still have us with you. We will always be by your side o! I will lend you my shoulder when you wanna cry... So don't be too sad o! Jia you!

Last Saturday, i went to Qian Ru's hse for the sketch prac... It was really fun. Her aunty keep taking pic here and there... Oh ya, her mom also prepared fried mee hoon and red bean soup for us... those food were really delicious, although they were not delicacies, just normal food that we always eat... hehe... After the sketch prac, i went to Wall St. for supper with my another gang, who are Ah Man, Chua, xiao feng feng and their friens which i don't know in the beginning... A bit boring actually, cause i don't know most of them lor... Anyway, i just wanna fill my stomach... Then we went to a place where most of the ppl said it is not a proper place to go... hehe, we played snooker actually... I know, I know, it's "bad" place... I go because i was really curious about this game. Hmm... not bad wor, now i know one more sport... cool! Maybe next time i'll go to a proper place to play pool... Sadly, i went back at 12 and got scolded, a bit only, by my parents, cause they know no matter who i mix with i just won't turn bad and not easily influenced by others... practically there are no boundaries for me... whoa! No lar, i was just exagerating... of course, i'm still under my parents control till i turn 21....